If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
