He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
