This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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