when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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