Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
