She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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