I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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