what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
