You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
