He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
