Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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