Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
