How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
