She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
