If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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