My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
