Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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