I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
