The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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