My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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