Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
