u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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