Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
