the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she told me i tasted like america
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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