You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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