sarcasm needs its own font
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
