Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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