I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Randomize
