we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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