Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
