sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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