So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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