i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
