A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You are a genius and a whore.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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