Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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