I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
