take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Text me some of your sweat
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
