Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
