I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
