In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
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You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just blew my weed a kiss
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
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