Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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