my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
operation have a gay friend backfired
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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