Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
