Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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