I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
two words: eviction party
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
All I want is dick and wine.
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