I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
