Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
