Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
