i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
