He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
