Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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