just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
