i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
