Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
