Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
