Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
